Since it's the first episode and it was 3 long hours long, this will be a bit lengthier than any blogs in the future. So at the risk of making this any longer, let's get started.
The Bachelor
The man himself. "Prince Farming" said himself that he "can't believe he's the next Bachelor". What a coincidence, Chris, neither can I. Not only were you soft as hell, but there were two incredible contestants that Andi turned down last year that would have been perfect. Brian, who was the most normal, scarfless dude in Bachelor history, and Martel, who was a smooth fan favorite that FINALLY would have brought real diversity to the show. Instead, they went with the farmer, which you know they are going to pound into our heads all season. The amount of times we are gonna hear "Can you picture yourself living in Iowa" is already making me sick. I do gotta admit though, as the show went on he did seem pretty normal.
The hour long red carpet preview
I hate that they do this. Recently, they have been trying to get Chris Harrison on screen more often, which is just terrible. This guy has had the easiest job on the planet, exaggerating the drama of each rose ceremony, telling the Bachelor that he only has one rose left even though it's pretty obvious, because roses aren't hard to count. For some reason, this guy acts like he has the most important job on the planet and the extra time he's getting is making the show damn near impossible to watch. The real reason this first hour sucked was the interview with Nikki (Juan Pablo's ex). A year ago, JP and Nikki didn't say they love each other or get engaged on screen, after a full 4 months of dating each other. Can you believe the nerve? Harrison can't let this shit go for some reason, was a huge asshole on the final show that year, wouldn't shut up about it last year, and apparently STILL hasn't let it go. Your show is a joke, Chris. Give up your creepy obsession with Juan Pablo and move on. Nikki did an excellent job answering his leading questions without trashing her ex's name. Also, good to know she's single now. Feel free to give me a call, Nikki.
Contestants (1st wave)- Just a few thoughts
Britt, 27, Waitress
Britt let us know that she didn't have sex with her last boyfriend. Can you imagine dating a girl this pretty and not being able to have sex? That would be impossible. This girl was super into hugs, including one that lasted about 10 minutes when she first got out of the limo. A 10 minute hug that was filled with inexplicable tears. She seemed a little off to me, but she wrapped Chris up with those eyes of hers and earned the first impression rose. Definite favorite moving forward. By the way, the first impression rose makes for some fantastic television. Everybody else pretending to be happy for her but secretly saying "lucky bitch" under their breath.Jillian, 28, News Broadcaster
Jillian is pretty, but girls who don't stop talking about working out are the second worst kind of people (the first being guys who don't stop talking about working out). She could not stop talking about her muscles or beating chicks up. Shut the hell up.Amanda, 24, Ballet Instructor
Crazy eyes likes to live at home because she doesn't like to cook, clean, or pay bills. Wow, good luck with life on the farm, sweetheart. She swears, which is cool, but that secret admirer shit was weird. I just tried to open my eyes that wide for like 5 seconds and they started watering.Whitney, 29, Fertility Nurse
I got love for Chi Town, and her dog was absolutely adorable. At first I thought fertility nurse meant like a lady who helps deliver babies and I thought that was pretty cool. When I found out that she was filling vaginas with sperm I thought that was disgusting. You gotta be careful with girls who work with babies too, because guess what they are going to want right away? Plus she had a baby voice, which is terrible.Mackenzie, 21, Dental Assistant
Mackenzie is a mother who didn't waste any time pointing out that she "would rather hang out with her kid than go out with her friends". Good for you, somebody get this chick a "Mother of the Year" award. Oh wait, she left her kid for potentially 3 months to go on a tv show? Never mind.Alissa, 24, Flight Attendant
This girl was very stupid. I guess you can see her head was up in the clouds.Kelsey, 28, School Counselor
Widow. So, so sad. But you know what they say, the best way to get over a dead person is to get under an alive person who's also dating 29 girls at the same time. Jokes aside, this girls got a shot at going far.Trina, 33, Special Ed Teacher
This is an excellent job. Any special ed teacher has the ability to be a fantastic mom because they have all the patience in the world but they still know how to make children who can be particularly difficult listen.Megan, 24, Make up artist
A beautiful makeup artist, probably naturally pretty, right? No need to get to know this one, no real shot.Ashley I, 26, Freelance Journalist
Freelance journalism. Is that like a blogger? Because I heard all bloggers are real keepers.Reegan, 28, Sells Human Tissue
She brought a fake heart out of the limo. I understand that you gotta make a good first impression but what the hell was she thinking?Tara, 26, Fishing Enthusiast
I wouldn't even swipe right on Tinder for this broad. That thing where she brought 2 outfits was fucking weird. I love country girls but not ones who have to constantly try to prove it. Then she got super drunk, acted like a total jackass, and somehow still got a rose. Is this the first time in bachelor history that the drunk got through to the next round?Amber, 29, Bartender
Bartender from Chicago who looks like that? Yeah. Chances are I've tipped her entirely too much money at one point in my life.Nikki, 26, Ex NFL Cheerleader
So she was a cheerleader, now she isn't. Is she retired at 26? No other job to list? Hmmm... real winner.Ashley S, 24, Lucky Penny Bitch
I missed what she did, but she did that weird shit with putting a lucky penny in Chris's shoe. At first it seemed like a desperate attempt to make an impression. Nope, she is just bat shit crazy. Freaking out about onions or papayas or whatever the hell it was. Stalking the second wave of girls as they came in. Makes for good television, I wonder why he kept her around.Kaitlyn, 30, Dance instructor
After that first impression, I would have sent her immediately to the final 4. She comes on with a hilarious sex joke. "Oh you've got some glitter on you. WHO IS SHE?!?" was a fantastic joke. Pretending to be crazy jealous when entering a show like this is hilarious. If her and Chris don't work out, I will gladly take her. Beautiful and hysterically funny is a perfect mix.Suspenseful Waiting for the Second Wave
This is what the Bachelor has come to? So desperate for new drama that they think they are being edgy and cool by separating limos for a few hours? Who gives a shit? How does this matter? The only thing that makes this different is that the last few limos are at a huge disadvantage for not getting nearly as much time with Chris. As pointless and over dramatized as it was, it made for fantastic TV. Watching the first set of girls freak out and get crazy jealous is exactly the type of craziness that we crave when we watch this show.
Contestants (2nd Wave)
Samantha, 27, Fashion Designer
More like Smokemantha. That's all I have on Samantha.Michelle, 25, Cake Designer
I feel like as a cake designer she almost had to make a cake with little figures of her and Chris on the top as her first impression. Blown opportunity, Michelle. That's on you.Juelia, 30, Eutheirst
Can't spell her name. Can't spell her profession.Becca, 26, Chiropractic Assistant
If this is what chiropractic assistants look like, then I am not exactly sure why people with scoliosis are complaining. More of a blessing than a back problem.Tandra, 30, Executive Assistant
Power move showing up on a motor cycle all Daughters of Anarchy like. Seems like she might be kind of a bad ass. Even the name sounds pretty trashy. Unfortunately for Tandra, Chris is a pussy and can't handle her.Jordan, 24, Student
College student who shows up with whiskey. Where's the first impression rose when you need it?Nicole, 31, Real Estate
Showing up in a pig nose was weird. Everything about her was a little off. I have gone on the record to say that I love redheads but I hate this chick.Brittany, 26, Aspiring WWE Diva
This chick wants to be in the WWE (red flag) but then when crazy ass Ashley came up to confront her she just bitched out and backed off Chris. Good luck against Chyna (or whoever the women wrestlers are now) when you can't even deal with onion chick.Carly, 29, Cruise Ship Singer
A girl with a good singing voice is a major plus, because she won't be too shy to go up and karaoke the shit out of a duet with you. Even if you completely butcher Aladdin's part, you know all the guys will still be jealous when she just brings down the house as Jasmine.Tracy, 29, 4th grade teacher
If this girl taught at elementary school I work at she would not be on this show. She would have fallen in love with the charming gym teacher by now and we would be happily going to dates at places like Applebee's and Noodles & Co. I seriously love this woman.Bo, 25, Plus sized model
Good for you for coming on the show, Bo. That took a lot of courage. I am not saying she is not pretty, and I am not saying she isn't awesome because she totally could be. But look around at the competition. They may be completely empty headed but that's just not how these shows work. I'm not trying to be an asshole, I realize it isn't fair. All I'm saying is the "1-10 scale" is the only scale that these other girls will ever be higher than Bo on.Kimberly, 28, Yoga
There are just too many girls to have thoughts on all of them.Kara, 25, Soccer Coach
That accent is entirely too strong.Jade, 28, Who gives a shit
HOLY SHIT! STOP THE FIGHT! Here's a live look at my reaction when she got out of the limo.Rose Ceremony
When they kept showing the preview of Chris walking away in the rose ceremony, was I the only one who thought it was because he had to take a shit? That would be awesome. However, it was because he was soft as hell about Tara's drunk ass. Not dramatic at all, just a big lame let down. The fact that he stuck with the crazy chick AND the drunk chick was entertaining. Can you imagine being one of the girls he rejected when he picked those two? Being sent home night one might be one of the more devastating things in reality TV, but being sent home while these two clowns get to stay? How can you go back to your hometown and look people in the eye? Also, it comes off a little crazy that the Kimberly chick went back in after getting sent home, but I don't blame her. She was way better than a handful of those girls.
"Here for the right reasons" Count- 1
Rejected
Crazy Eye Amanda, Pig Nosed Nicole, Fake Accent Kara, and Can't Handle Rejection Kimberly
Next weeks will be much shorter, I promise.
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