Packers Week 8 Recap

Getting your ass beat is never fun unless, ya know, you're into that type of shit. This loss was particularly shitty to watch for a lot of reasons. It is silly to call a Week 8 game against a non-divisional opponent a "must win", so I am just gonna go ahead a call it a "game that would have been really big had we came up with a victory". I don't want to spend too much time on this one, so let's get into it why it sucked

- The Lions won on a gift from the refs calling a delay of game a tad bit early on a last second missed field goal, so we needed to win to keep pace with them, especially since we have already lost to them head-to-head.

- We had a chance to bury the Bears. Still looks grim for them after the beating they took at the hands of Brady and Gronk, but they didn't lose any ground on us.

- Losing sucks way more in primetime in front of a national audience. Losing by 21 is like wetting the bed at a sleepover with a bunch of your guy friends. Losing by 21 on Sunday Night Football is like wetting the bed after you finally got to bang the girl you've been chasing for months.

- I am so tired of hearing what a great play caller Mike McCarthy is only to see him waste a 2nd and goal play by throwing a quick slant to Julius Fucking Peppers. This isn't the last game of little league where you let the shitty kid who spent the year getting the minimum innings in right field get his try at pitching or shortstop. This is the NFL and this is the Superdome. Then the onside kick about a minute later? Did someone lace that fat fuck's cheese curds with drugs before the game? No way he wasn't high.

- I don't want to hear about Dom Capers and his "exotic" blitzing anymore. What the fuck does that even mean? If they are exotic then that means they are unconventional. If they are unconventional it means they are probably ill-advised. Judging by the fact that we gave up 44 points, I am pretty sure exotic is just another word for stupid. I can't wait til this dude is fired.

- Aaron Rodgers was on a crazy interception pace and now it's just "eh". Okay, I know 19TDs to 3 int is still incredible... but it's not as sexy as 19 to 1. All three of Aaron's interceptions have been on balls that have been tipped by his receivers. By know means am I saying they have been great throws, but probably shouldn't have been interceptions. 

No gay text messaging with my friends just this week. Just a depressed silence.

The One About The One: Loose Lips Sink Relationships

I didn't take notes this week, so I was worried I wouldn't be as prepared for this episode. Then again I am not a nerd and notes are for nerds!

So the gang was pretty pumped about getting three lights last week, putting them on track to finding their "ones" in time. Only one thing to do, drink and try to fool around with your “one.”  Executive decision, every time I say the group is drinking and living a life I was,  I am going to play the best party song- Rocky Top.

So the group is drinking and living the life

and my main girl Ellie made a power move. She began hitting  on Chi Town Anthony. I love Ellie. She reminds me of that girl who says she can hang with the guys because she doesn’t mind how often they talk about having sex with baseball players. You know, like guy stuff. Her and Anthony make me happy because that means she will be associated with my favorite city in the world. 

Also Leyton and Jessica hooked up. He said he needed a release. Life is tough when you are trying to find your one. 

That was about from the party that I liked. Mainly cause I am jealous these kids are partying and I am trying to make funny comments about it on a blog.

THE CHALLENGE

The challenge finally got the girls involved and made the guys looked kind of bad.

The ladies had to slide down a huge slip-n-slide on a hill to take down a  pyramid of blocks with the guys’ faces on them. They then took those blocks back up the hill and would put a guy’s face next to a number that would reveal how many sexual partners that guy said he had. The numbers ranged from 9 – too many to count.

Jesus Christ. Not only would I seem like a loser when I fell asleep too early at every party , but  also during this challenge when I answered with “I don’t want to answer this question because I am not comfortable with it.”

The main highlight was my girl Ellie basically quitting. She is the best. Running up hills are hard especially when you are hungover.

Jasmine, Paris, and Jessica won the challenge. Meaning Paris, who would pick Pratt for the dream date, would be going to the Truth Booth.. or would they?

So surprise surprise the group decided it was time to get drunk.

Paris and Pratt basically knew they were going to the Truth Booth and saw this as a chance to party one last time before maybe going to the honeymoon suite.

Paris was the equivalent of me during my last semester in college. In terms of , in one night, I think she drank as much as I did my last semester of college. She then proceeded to hit on Chi Town John. John Likes Christina but she keeps having sex with Brandon who is not her match. That last sentence sounded a lot like that high school gossip girl in Always Sunny. 

Long story short, John and Paris start making out up against a wall while Ellie watched. Nothing weird here.

After they were done, Paris went to go find Pratt who had been pouting about Paris hitting on John. To her credit she was honest and told him. Everyone was on edge, thankfully my girl Ellie was there to clean John’s name.   

The next day Pratt and Paris took their date together and talked it out. Paris admitted that this was the first time she cheated and actually felt bad about it.

I have never been cheated on or cheated on anyone, but I imagine that you would feel a lot worse when the person you cheated on could help you win a million dollars.

In a unanimous decision Pratt and Paris are invited into the truth booth. This could be the first match guys!! For good measure....

TRUTH BOOTH

If these two don’t win, I will be furious was my thought. Basically because, unlike any couple in the house, they had seen some shit. They know they want to work through it, plus they are likeable people.  Also every other Truth Booth involved Brandon. Fuck Brandon.

Wouldn’t you know it. THEY WERE A MATCH! The group is celebrating like they just beat Number One ranked Indiana... and I am crying like when Illinois beat Number One  ranked Indiana...

LIGHT CEREMONY

The light ceremony already had one spotlight, but the rest was kind of tricky. With Brandon and Christina still going to the Boom Boom room John gave Christina her last chance when she picked him. This meant Annie, who I haven’t talked about enough, didn’t have a partner for the light ceremony because she had also picked John.

Christina took the ultimatum as a wake up call and Brandon took it as a sign to be a douchebag.  You know how some announcer won’t say “Redskins” during football games anymore” I am doing the same with Brandon and calling him Douchebag #1 . My main girl Ellie though picked Brandon, so I got a little worried.

Luckily though, no other lights went up in the light ceremony. No one was a match. Everyone has to start over.  I am worried for these crazy kids. I am sure they will start partying .

MVP

Paris and Pratt

These crazy kids just kid make it. I mean look at that sweet shirt on Pratt

Runers up : Ellie and Annie

Until next time or until I stop watching, which may never happen.

P.S. Annie and Ellie retweeted and answered they were "down" for an interview. If this happens I may cry

For pervious weeks

About the show

Episode 2

Episode 3

Why is no one talking about Madison Bumgarner?

Baseball isn't down, it isn't dying out, so don’t let anyone tell you that. Attendance is up, local TV ratings (in most cities not named Chicago) are up, ticket sales next year will be up. Baseball’s big problem is the national coverage. People get really into their team, the local teams, but that’s it. Even a die-hard fan like myself wouldn't sit down and watch a mid-July Rays vs Blue Jays game, but I watched every minute of the stupid Redskins/Cowboys game last night. That is the problem currently with baseball, locally its fine, but the national coverage just can’t compete with the likes of the NFL.

One of the biggest travesties of this trend is that the insane, once in a lifetime performance of Madison Bumgarner this entire postseason is being criminally under-appreciated. This dude is putting up unheard of numbers and isn't receiving near the recognition he deserves for it. Sure, the baseball universe is abuzz, but he isn't all over ESPN, Good Morning America, and your local news at night. Can you imagine if Peyton Manning has one of the great runs of all-time in these coming playoffs? You literally wouldn't stop hearing about it for months, but Bumgarner, nah, just an article here and there.

Because I hate them, I’m going to place a lot of the blame here on ESPN. Sadly they are the network that decides which sports and events get the coverage, so they get to decide what exactly is news. This World Series is lacking a huge market team AND a team from the East Coast. ESPN gives precedent to the markets and the East Coast because, quite simply, they get ratings. They also use Sportscenter as one big commercial for themselves. If games six and seven were on ESPN instead of FOX, I guarantee that coverage and talk of Bumgarner would take up 30 minutes of each hour as opposed to 10.

Major media outlets aren't doing it, so let me inform you just how crazy good Bums (My new nickname for Madison I just made up) has been. In every game he has pitched this postseason he has gone AT LEAST seven innings. In an era where the complete game seems like some sort of ancient history, Bums has TWO OF THEM!! In half of his starts he hasn't allowed an earned run. His overall ERA this postseason is a microscopic 1.14. Obviously there is much more to go over and compare, but to summarize this is THE BEST POSTSEASON PITCHING PERFORMANCE EVER right behind Curt Schilling in 2001. If he happens to make an appearance and pitches 3-4 innings in game seven, he could surpass that.

Bumgarner is on an absolute tear. One of those stretches you will tell people about a long, long time from now. Don’t let the fact that San Fran vs KC isn't exactly a sexy match up blind you from this fact. Take a second and appreciate what he has done, even if you aren't hearing about it a lot on TV.  

PS

If the Giants win the WS and Madison goes on the chug 6 beers at a time be on the lookout for an article about his underrated pitching and extremely overrated beer drinking. 

Let's Talk About the Illini: Homecoming Joy

Classic Illinois. 

A few weeks after everything and everyone involved basically looked dead and buried , the Illinois football program rises from the grave. Very festive if you think about the holiday happening this weekend.

After over 1,000 days, Illinois has won a home Big Ten game. Happy Homecoming indeed.

How though? What did we learn? Well, not much has changed.

The illini’s defense isn’t great (they gave up over 400 total yards). Riley O’toole isn’t the quarterback of the future (he only threw for 118 passing yards). In general, Illinois is who we thought they were.

What the difference between this win and the three Big Ten loses they have this season, is they took the 1-2 punch from a team and held it close enough to take it in the end.  

All season Illinois has struggled in the second and third quarter against Big Ten teams. Nebraska scored 24 of their 48 points in the second quarter. Wisconsin scored 17 of their 38 in the second quarter. Purdue scored  only 10 pointsin the second, but added on 14 more in the third. Each of those quarters seemed to be the difference in those games.

Saturday, the Illini quickly went up 14-0 in the first quarter. Those 14 points battened down the preverbal hatches for the soon to come Minnesota hurricane. In the second quarter, as I waited for doom, the Gophers headed into halftime with a field goal. 

However a 21 point third quarter was the right hook everyone was waiting for.

The first score occurred in classic Illinois fashion. A turnover by Illinois one play and  a 52 yard touchdown pass to Issac Fruechte from Mitch Leidner the next. 14-10 with hop fading. 

The difference in this game ended up being Illinois’ response to the first blow. A 9 play 75 yard drive capped off by a two yard touchdown run by Josh Ferguson to be exact. 21-10

Minnesota would score touchdowns on their next two drives and go up for the first time in the game. 24-21. Sweet.  The Illini stayed strong though and were always within striking distance. 

V’angelo Bentley made a key scoop in grab that helped Illinois gain the lead back.  28-24. The dead were rising, but not out of the coffin yet.

The second part that makes and breaks this game, the next drive. If Minnesota can drive and put some points up, the game is different. The Illini now put the game again on an Offense that hadn’t scored since making it 21-10.

The defense though came to play. A 3 and out helped the illini waste some time and eventually get the win.

So the defense wasn’t spectacular, but they held their first Big Ten Oppenent to under 200 yards rushing  and forced 3 turnovers. The offense didn’t blow anyone out of the water, but they stayed in the game and made key drives during and after Minnesota’s knock out punch. Illinois got a lot of breaks with a missed fourth quarter field goal and, once again, those three turnovers. 

This Illinois team didn’t make the world realize they just had some bad weeks, instead they just proved to themselves they can compete in a struggling power conference.

Which, after all, is all Illinois fans have been hoping for anyway. 

The Right Environment to Shred

A few nights ago I watched the movie Shallow Hal and remembered how it was a pretty funny movie with a good message. I'm not going to talk about the movie as a whole, but I will talk about a specific scene in the movie, probably the best part. I'm of course talking about the dance scene. Before you watch it don't focus on the very unattractive women, focus on Hal and the dimes whenever they appear again, red is a smoke. 

If you can't see the video here's the link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjfrbw7xNXc

Number one: Hal is absolutely shredding the dance floor while he assumes he is surrounded by dimes. All of this is possible because of the music. There is nothing worse than going out with your crew ready to look like a drunken jackass only to find out the guy playing the music is a fucking moron and doesn't know he sucks balls. You can't dance on a dime and get the spit slapped out of your mouth while shit music is happening. Not only is the music horrendous, the fucker won't even take song requests. Fuck that shit

Number two: It's good to surround yourself with the right crew. Does this mean you can't dance solo style? Hell no, Hal shows that it's more than possible. However, he's feeding off the chicks he's dancing with and that helps him get to the next level. The same goes with the crew you surround yourself with. The group needs to feed off each other in order to achieve the complete jackass image and have a great time. 

Number three kind of goes off of number two and it's about going all out or not at all. I can't stand going out with people that just stand there and literally don't say or do anything. Why even go out if you're going to be lame as fuck? It ruins it for everyone else and way more important, me. I'd rather stay in and watch a documentary on fucking fruit bats than go out with a bunch of lame mother fuckers. Obviously there are those nights and weekends where we just want to hang out, Netflix binge, or whatever, but don't bring that shit here. You can't shred with that, you just can't.

This isn't just about going out to shred with the bros and the chicks while having a blast, it's bigger than that. We all know this but I'll say it anyway. People you surround yourself with will either help you have a good time or drag you down. Didn't mean to get that deep but whatever, fuck you.

Lastly, I set that song as my morning alarm and every morning I dance my dick off

Drunk Album Review- 1989 by Taylor Swift

For real this time. Two weeks ago I got too excited for the drop of Taylor Swift's new album dropping and decided to get loaded and review it track by track. Turns out I was completely off on the date.

So when the CD was finally released last night around 10 PM, I knew I couldn't just listen to it right there and then. I needed to make an event for this special occasion. So I have now stepped up my alcohol from Lady Bligh to Southern Comfort. I've turned down the lights, I've removed my pants, and I am sitting down to let my ears have the time of their lives, and I am inviting our 5 readers to join me in this journey. 

Without further ado.... Let's hit play

Track 1- Welcome to New York 

I will be honest. This song was released last Tuesday and when I first heard it I thought it was a poor effort. Sometimes a hit takes a few listens to really settle into your soul. This is one of those tracks, but it has certainly settled and found its home now. All it takes is one listen to this song with the windows down and your car radio at full blast for you to really appreciate what a jam this is. I don't know how I feel about songs paying tribute to a city. Particularly a city that isn't Chicago. Sometimes I forget that Taylor Swift is not much older than I am, so I can totally understand her move to New York being big and new to her. We are at that age where moving to a new place can be a huge life changing event. While I have not lived anywhere besides Elgin and Champaign, I know that my friends took big steps when moving to places like Cleveland, Oregon, and Colorado. Hell, I know it was a big life change for those of my friends who moved 45 minutes away to Chicago. I am happy that Taylor's life change has gone well enough to write a song about it. She even begged Selena Gomez to move to New York. The fact that they are friends severely challenges my ability to even.

Favorite Line- "Welcome to New York"- Some will say that's too easy to pick. Fuck you, you do a drunken review then.

Drunkness Level- 2 drinks in. Sober enough to not have a typo in every word, drunk enough to still feel like this drunk review was a good idea.

Track 2- Blank Space

I am about to just hit repeat and spend the rest of my night life listening to this fucking song. Taylor's catchiness is undeniable, but the other thing that makes her music the shit is that she knows what she is talking about. This is the perfect song about relationships that are doomed from the get go and how it can always start nice, but it is typically only temporary. This song makes me angry because it is so good. I am angry at every musician ever for not making a song this good before, and I am angry at all future musicians for not making a song this good in the future. 

Favorite Line- Every last fucking word.

Drunkness Level- I honestly can't tell if I am drunk or just still riding the high that this song made me feel. All I know is I am feeling great.

Track 3- Style

This one hits close to home for everyone in the world, a song about things being pretty complicated with an ex. Every relationship ends for a reason, because things are shitty. Either the boy, the girl, or both (it's usually both) are shitty. But at the same time, every relationship started for a reason as well. There was an attraction, something that made you want to spend more time with that person. Sometimes that attraction goes away but most of the time there is still a trace of why you liked that person in the first place, and occasionally that makes you go back and think about them from time to time. Solid song. I love that TSwift is keeping her lyrics relatable like she did so long in the country genre, but at the same time making the songs catchy as all hell, so they can still be played at bars without depressing everyone.

Favorite Line- "And when we go crashing down, we come back in every time"

Drunkness level- The fifth is close to half empty half full. 

Track 4- Out of the Woods

This track was released a couple weeks ago when I thought that the entire CD would be. As disappointed as I was that I had put my liver through meaningless abuse, that disappointment was replaced with an excitement I hadn't felt in awhile after listening to this song. After hearing "Shake it Off" I was excited for the album. After "Out of the Woods" I was hyping 1989 up to be the best album of all time. I don't really even know what the lyrics are talking about, but I don't care. This song is catchier than Jerry Rice (needed a sports reference to feel straight again). Another one to listen to at top volume while cruising in the car. You'll forget where you are for a good 3:56. 

Favorite Line- "in the clear yet? good."

Drunkness Level- Let's just say the end of this blog post is going to be shitty.

Track 5- All You Had to Do Was Stay

So far, probably the worst song of the 5 tracks. That being said, it is a top 5 track on Red. Sounds like one of Taylor's ex broke up with her, but then realized what he had once it was gone and is trying to get her back. TAylor was like, "nah man, if you wanted me you could have just stuck around in the first place." Classic dude. Has it good, but the chase is gone, so he leaves. Then all of the sudden the chase is back on so it's interested again. If this is about one of her real exes, then I can only imagine how much he wants her back now that this album dropped, because it's the best..

Favorite Line- "People like you always want back the love they pushed aside" I don't know if that's a direct quote but you;ll know the line when you hear it.

Drunkness Level- Well I just stood up for the first time, so a lot drunker than when we last checked in. 

Track 6- Shake It Off

The hit that started it all. What can I say about this song that hasn't already been said about the Beatles? Timeless. Legendary. Hit. Would totally be my ringtone if those were still a thing. Would totally be my MySpace song if that was still a thing. If you don't like this song than you are either lacking rhythm, a sense of what fun is, or ears. Either way, haters of this song don't bother Tay Tay, cus she can just shake off the hate.

Favorite Line- "I'm just gonna shake shake shake shake shake" because that's super fun to dance to.

Drunkness Level- I probably should have eaten dinner BEFORE this album review.

Track 7- I Wish You Would

Well well well, who's regretting breaking it off with someone now, Taylor? She's sad in this song. Why can't Taylor catch a break? She's dated a lot of famous folk and it never seems to work out for her and nobody ever feels sorry for her. Jennifer Anniston went through the same shit and everyone, including me, was crazy happy for her when she met Justin Theroux because they were mad sad for her when the dude from Fury left her for Angelina HOlie. Nobody feels bad for taylor even though shes a lot more talented than Jennifer Anniston. I don't know. I don't even remember this song now after that rant but I am pretty sure I liked it.

Favorite Line- "I wish you knew that I miss you too much to be mad anymore" Time heals wounds, yo.

Drunkness Level- Should I do Movember or would it be way too weird to be a teacher with a mustache?

TRack 8- Bad Blood

Songs that don't even waste any time to just yell some shit always are awesome. That's what happened with this song. My eyes got nice and wide and I was ready to fuckin listen. Once I listened I wasn't disappointed, but I was taken aback a little bit. It doesn't specify what this dude did to Swifty to ruin a good thing, but it seems a little bit like he might have hit her. I think it's kind of irresponsible to make a song about domestic violence so damn catchy. I am not trying to jam to a song about a woman getting knocked around, but the beat (musical, not physical) is pretty awesome. People who beat on girls are cowards and the absolute worst. Women can drive you to insanity and then laugh in your face about it, but that shit is never okay. Well, almost never. Just found out this is the song about Katy Perry. Whatever, I'm not changing my review. Katy Perry is a weirdo and people who make their living on being quirky and weird can fuck off. Don't care how big their tits are.

Favorite Line- "Band-aids don't fix bullet holes" Soft.

Drunkness Level- Screwed up posting that Bill Burr link and wound up watching Bill Burr videos for 25 minutes. Totally out of the zone now. That's my bad. 

Track 9- Wildest Dreams

This is the first song of this album where I couldn't picture it coming on in a bar and me spilling my drink because I am real excited to hear it. That doesn't mean I don't like it, because some of her best songs are the slow ones, but it just didn't jump out to me. Seems like this song sounds like a one night stand, which I can't say a lot of experience with as I have literally never made a good first impression in my life. I am more of an acquired taste. I just realized that Monday Night Football hasn't started yet and I am fucked up. What is happening?

Least Favorite Line- "He's so tall". Dude fuck height. It isn't fair. Judging a potential significant other on their height makes you a racist.

Drunkness Level- Realizing how little of the 5th I have left makes me realize how much dignity I have left. Kinda depressing, which means I am super drunk.

Track 10- How You Get the Girl

I wish I was sober enough to pay attention to this song, as I have literally no idea "how to get the girl". James Shields has the nickname "Big Game James" even though he has been pretty awful in the playoffs (sports reference to make me feel straight". My nickname would be "No Game Brian" if that rhymed in any way at all. Whatever, I can't wait to wake up and listen to this song again and take better notes than I ever did in college. As if this album wasn't great enough already, I am about to get learned on how to get the girl? Perfect.

Favorite Line- Everything that preempted "That's how you get the girl" because that's like a cheat sheet for dudes like me who don't have a clue.

Drunkless Level- Too Turnt To Tolerate. Alliteration at its finest.

Track11 - This Love

TS slowed it down on this shit. Having just finished the 5th I don't really know what the lyrics are about, but I know they have real estate in my soul. I never saw gravity because Sandra Bullock ruined her career back in 2000 with this scene (warning: this clip will make you hate everything), but I feel like this song should be listened to while floating through space. If I were in charge, this would be the soundtrack of Gravity. What the fuck am I talking about? Who am I? Where is my Apple TV remote?

Drunkness Level- Drnk enough to skip the "favorite line" for this song.

Track 12- I Know Places

This is a hit. Really all there is to say. Didn't listeen to the words enough to give a proper analysis. Blame it on the al al al al al alcohol. Still, it's a hit. I like it. I will listen to it a bunch. Good for you Taylor. Good for you.

Favorite Line- "You stand with your hand on my waist line" First line of the song, the waist line is always my "favorite line". ALWAYS.

Drunkness Level- My mother would be so worried. Granted, Sus thinks having more than 2 beers constitutes as alcoholism.

Track 13- Clean

Slowed down again. Cool with me, as I like sad slow shit. She drowned or whatever in this song and got over somebody. Tried to make drowning sound like a good thing in this song, something I could not agree less with. Drowning sounds awful. I am too drunk to be interpreting shit.. I am sure this song is super deep (which would explain the drowning references) but I just don't know at this point.

Favorite line- Woof.

Favorite Drunkness level- Too. Too drunk. 

Final Thoughts- 

What an album. What a night. Those who are judging me, save it for a day where I give a shit. This album is crazy good. I want it played at my hypothetical wedding. I want it played at my inevitable funeral. I want it played every day for the rest of my life. Thanks for reading. Buy the album, it's worth a lot more than spending 15 bucks on Taco Bell. Whcih I would totally pay someone for if they brought \to me right now. I am serious. Please?

Drunkness level- I don't know what will hurt most when I wake up. My neck from bobbing it too much, my feet from tapping them too much, or my hangover. 

Week 8 pick'em

Sorry about last week. If you followed my picks, chances are you don't have any money left to bet this week. But if your bank account isn't completely empty, I'm due for a big week. I won't let you down two weeks in a row.

SEATTLE -6 at Carolina 

I watched Carolina play last week. They are a bad bad team. I don't know what happened since last year, but Seattle is gonna win this one big, despite Russell Wilson not being black enough.

Baltimore at CINCINNATI +2.5

I know Aj green is inactive and the ravens actually look like a good team this year, but I'm not a believer in flacco. 

Miami at JACKSONVILLE +7

Miami is feeling good about themselves with the win in Chicago and the almost victory against the packers. There defense is pretty good. I don't know why I picked the jags actually but it's too late to go back now.

St. Louis at KANSAS CITY -7.5

Kansas City is my favorite city right now. Those people are nuts and I can't get enough. 

CHICAGO +5.5 at New England 

Chicago has too much talent to be this and. That jay cutler for MVP talk is a fucking joke that a bunch of writers are probably kicking themselves for. But the talent is there. They win the games you don't expect them to. They lose the games you expect them to win. They will win this outright.

BUFFALO +3 at New York

Welcome to New York is a pretty good song. The jets are a pretty bad team. I feel like this is stealing. Percy Harvin is gonna regret being an asshole, because now he has to be a Jet.

Minnesota at TAMPA BAY -1

Celebrity pick by Lucas Geier. "You can't win with a black quarterback"

HOUSTON -3.5 at Tennessee

Houston by a million. Lock of the week. 

PHILADELPHIA +1 at Arizona

Philly is the leagues worst good team. But they are 5-1. Arizona can't fool me. Not a threat. Carson Palmer stinks.

Oakland at CLEVELAND -6.5

Cleveland is who we thought they were, unfortunately. At the same time, I hope they keep losing so we can see Johnny Football. Oakland isn't gonna win a game.

INDIANAPOLIS -4 at Pittsburgh

Andrew Luck is bae. Is anyone else shocked that the steelers are 4-3? Thought they were way worse than that.

GREEN BAY +2.5 at New Orleans

I know New Orleans is hard to best at home. I know they are due for a win. But how the fuck are the Packers dogs this week? I am the worlds biggest pessimist. I actually think the pack will lose but I have to pick them because it is disrespectful that we are getting points in this game. 

Washington at DALLAS -10

Colt McCoy is starting on Monday night football. That's all you need to know about this one. The cowboys are gonna be 7-1. Let that sink in. 

Last week- 4-10 lol

Overall- 4-10

Lock of the week- 0-1

I suck.

The One about The One: Virgin Tears

“Are you the One” is one of my favorite parts about Monday. Is it sad? Maybe. Sorry this is coming so late, I know a lot of people look forward to this. However lets kick this week off with why I am mad at the group.

I mentioned last week that I was kind of cheering against the million dollar pay off because these kids are gonna become millionaires and find the loves of their lives. It is horseshit.

However, these people are growing on me. So , for I’m still kind of cheering for them.  Except for Brandon. I hate Brandon.

Why do I hate this stranger? Well he sucked this episode.  First, he said no one was a strong couple after only getting two lights in the light ceremony. While that may be true, he just seemed bitter at these couples because he can’t find someone to love him. Second, after the Truth Booth revealed he wasn’t a match with  Alexandra (see below), he just started macing on Christina and took her to the Boom Boom Room. Third, he called John a pussy for asking to kiss a girl because he was jealous.

I respect anyone who asks to kiss a girl in an awkward situation. It may be awkward, but misreading signs is more awkward. Plus John is from Chicago. I respect him.

That wasn’t the only drama this week. 

So that awkwardness between Nathan and Shelby became even more awkward after Shelby picked Dario in the light ceremony. Nathan handles the heartbreak like most people; telling Shelby he doesn’t need her. Smooth move.

Sadly the days of drinking seem to have finally caught up with Nate Dogg and he has a mental love break down while corning Shelby. Dario didn’t handle this well, and decided to cut in and put his arm around Shelby. He then claimed“(he’s) just there to listen”.

Nate would eventually go up to his room and cry about it some more. Someone should have told him “Are You the One” is more than just about finding love. IT IS A WAY OF LIFE !

In other couples news, Leyton and Jenni are falling apart after she chose Anthony (Chi Town represent) in the light ceremony.  She goes back and forth on it, but decides it may be the right move after Leyton said some douchebag things.

Anthony jumped on the opportunity to take advantage of a confused Jenni by put her up against the wall and started making out with her.  Total sober move there.

After all the drinking it is nice regular effects are starting to show : crying, saying terrible things, and making out uncomfortably against walls.

THE CHALLENGE

This challenge sucked. People played Pictionary but licking food paste into pictures instead of drawing them . It was called Lictionary. I fucking hate the Challenge part . The love I have for the Truth Booth is nowhere near the hate I have for the Challenge.

Winners: John and Christina ,  Brandon and Alex ,  and another random couple.

Truth Booth –

I love the Truth Booth, but I hate how these people are using the Truth Booth. It is like a teenager with an iphone.

For the third week in a row Brandon was voted in with the girl he went on the dream date with. The strategy became “well, he has to be matched with someone”.  That logic is the worst. These are the people who voted for Bush in 2004 because “hey it couldn’t be worse.”

Him and Alexandra were skipping rocks on their date. That hasn’t been cool since 1900. Fact. I knew they weren’t a match, and no amount of games of Lictionary can change my mind.

Also, partners for the challenges are supposed to be picked with the one who have some chemistry with. However, Brandon just picked someone random because he lost the love his life last week.  It was a desperation Hail Mary.

I was so mad my new favorite couple Christina and john weren’t picked. John broke some girls nose on the first episode, but was quiet last week. He goes on this date and realizes it is awkward that this girls old love is creeping on them the whole time. He played it cool and asked if he could kiss her (like a gentleman) and she loved it.

Another way to prove John is cool is by how he handled the Boom Boom room incident I mentioned before. John heard it was going on and he cockblocks for his million dollars. Brandon would have been crying, but John takes action. Respect.

At the light ceremony, there were three things I liked:

- John explained that “there is a difference between being a gentleman and a pussy” after Brandon called him out for asking to kiss Christina.

- Tyler was the one left out and she was upset by it as more and more people basically she is hot until she starts talking.

-Ellie was picked.

Good news 3 lights went up and bad news no one knows who is the matches.

MVP

John

I am usually not a fan of cockblocks, but cockblocking for a million dollars is cool in my book. Especially when he is cockblocking Brandon. I kind of hope Brandon gets voted off. Plus he handled the awkwardness of Brandon well. Plus he is from Chicago. Him and Anthony have an unfair advantage.  As well as Ellie.

Runners up: Ellie and Anthony

Until next time people or until I get sick of watching, which could be soon with how Brandon is acting.