So when the CD was finally released last night around 10 PM, I knew I couldn't just listen to it right there and then. I needed to make an event for this special occasion. So I have now stepped up my alcohol from Lady Bligh to Southern Comfort. I've turned down the lights, I've removed my pants, and I am sitting down to let my ears have the time of their lives, and I am inviting our 5 readers to join me in this journey.
Without further ado.... Let's hit play
Track 1- Welcome to New York
I will be honest. This song was released last Tuesday and when I first heard it I thought it was a poor effort. Sometimes a hit takes a few listens to really settle into your soul. This is one of those tracks, but it has certainly settled and found its home now. All it takes is one listen to this song with the windows down and your car radio at full blast for you to really appreciate what a jam this is. I don't know how I feel about songs paying tribute to a city. Particularly a city that isn't Chicago. Sometimes I forget that Taylor Swift is not much older than I am, so I can totally understand her move to New York being big and new to her. We are at that age where moving to a new place can be a huge life changing event. While I have not lived anywhere besides Elgin and Champaign, I know that my friends took big steps when moving to places like Cleveland, Oregon, and Colorado. Hell, I know it was a big life change for those of my friends who moved 45 minutes away to Chicago. I am happy that Taylor's life change has gone well enough to write a song about it. She even begged Selena Gomez to move to New York. The fact that they are friends severely challenges my ability to even.
Favorite Line- "Welcome to New York"- Some will say that's too easy to pick. Fuck you, you do a drunken review then.
Drunkness Level- 2 drinks in. Sober enough to not have a typo in every word, drunk enough to still feel like this drunk review was a good idea.
Track 2- Blank Space
I am about to just hit repeat and spend the rest of my night life listening to this fucking song. Taylor's catchiness is undeniable, but the other thing that makes her music the shit is that she knows what she is talking about. This is the perfect song about relationships that are doomed from the get go and how it can always start nice, but it is typically only temporary. This song makes me angry because it is so good. I am angry at every musician ever for not making a song this good before, and I am angry at all future musicians for not making a song this good in the future.
Favorite Line- Every last fucking word.
Drunkness Level- I honestly can't tell if I am drunk or just still riding the high that this song made me feel. All I know is I am feeling great.
Track 3- Style
This one hits close to home for everyone in the world, a song about things being pretty complicated with an ex. Every relationship ends for a reason, because things are shitty. Either the boy, the girl, or both (it's usually both) are shitty. But at the same time, every relationship started for a reason as well. There was an attraction, something that made you want to spend more time with that person. Sometimes that attraction goes away but most of the time there is still a trace of why you liked that person in the first place, and occasionally that makes you go back and think about them from time to time. Solid song. I love that TSwift is keeping her lyrics relatable like she did so long in the country genre, but at the same time making the songs catchy as all hell, so they can still be played at bars without depressing everyone.
Favorite Line- "And when we go crashing down, we come back in every time"
Drunkness level- The fifth is close to half empty half full.
Track 4- Out of the Woods
This track was released a couple weeks ago when I thought that the entire CD would be. As disappointed as I was that I had put my liver through meaningless abuse, that disappointment was replaced with an excitement I hadn't felt in awhile after listening to this song. After hearing "Shake it Off" I was excited for the album. After "Out of the Woods" I was hyping 1989 up to be the best album of all time. I don't really even know what the lyrics are talking about, but I don't care. This song is catchier than Jerry Rice (needed a sports reference to feel straight again). Another one to listen to at top volume while cruising in the car. You'll forget where you are for a good 3:56.
Favorite Line- "in the clear yet? good."
Drunkness Level- Let's just say the end of this blog post is going to be shitty.
Track 5- All You Had to Do Was Stay
So far, probably the worst song of the 5 tracks. That being said, it is a top 5 track on Red. Sounds like one of Taylor's ex broke up with her, but then realized what he had once it was gone and is trying to get her back. TAylor was like, "nah man, if you wanted me you could have just stuck around in the first place." Classic dude. Has it good, but the chase is gone, so he leaves. Then all of the sudden the chase is back on so it's interested again. If this is about one of her real exes, then I can only imagine how much he wants her back now that this album dropped, because it's the best..
Favorite Line- "People like you always want back the love they pushed aside" I don't know if that's a direct quote but you;ll know the line when you hear it.
Drunkness Level- Well I just stood up for the first time, so a lot drunker than when we last checked in.
Track 6- Shake It Off
The hit that started it all. What can I say about this song that hasn't already been said about the Beatles? Timeless. Legendary. Hit. Would totally be my ringtone if those were still a thing. Would totally be my MySpace song if that was still a thing. If you don't like this song than you are either lacking rhythm, a sense of what fun is, or ears. Either way, haters of this song don't bother Tay Tay, cus she can just shake off the hate.
Favorite Line- "I'm just gonna shake shake shake shake shake" because that's super fun to dance to.
Drunkness Level- I probably should have eaten dinner BEFORE this album review.
Track 7- I Wish You Would
Well well well, who's regretting breaking it off with someone now, Taylor? She's sad in this song. Why can't Taylor catch a break? She's dated a lot of famous folk and it never seems to work out for her and nobody ever feels sorry for her. Jennifer Anniston went through the same shit and everyone, including me, was crazy happy for her when she met Justin Theroux because they were mad sad for her when the dude from Fury left her for Angelina HOlie. Nobody feels bad for taylor even though shes a lot more talented than Jennifer Anniston. I don't know. I don't even remember this song now after that rant but I am pretty sure I liked it.
Favorite Line- "I wish you knew that I miss you too much to be mad anymore" Time heals wounds, yo.
Drunkness Level- Should I do Movember or would it be way too weird to be a teacher with a mustache?
TRack 8- Bad Blood
Songs that don't even waste any time to just yell some shit always are awesome. That's what happened with this song. My eyes got nice and wide and I was ready to fuckin listen. Once I listened I wasn't disappointed, but I was taken aback a little bit. It doesn't specify what this dude did to Swifty to ruin a good thing, but it seems a little bit like he might have hit her. I think it's kind of irresponsible to make a song about domestic violence so damn catchy. I am not trying to jam to a song about a woman getting knocked around, but the beat (musical, not physical) is pretty awesome. People who beat on girls are cowards and the absolute worst. Women can drive you to insanity and then laugh in your face about it, but that shit is never okay. Well, almost never. Just found out this is the song about Katy Perry. Whatever, I'm not changing my review. Katy Perry is a weirdo and people who make their living on being quirky and weird can fuck off. Don't care how big their tits are.
Favorite Line- "Band-aids don't fix bullet holes" Soft.
Drunkness Level- Screwed up posting that Bill Burr link and wound up watching Bill Burr videos for 25 minutes. Totally out of the zone now. That's my bad.
Track 9- Wildest Dreams
This is the first song of this album where I couldn't picture it coming on in a bar and me spilling my drink because I am real excited to hear it. That doesn't mean I don't like it, because some of her best songs are the slow ones, but it just didn't jump out to me. Seems like this song sounds like a one night stand, which I can't say a lot of experience with as I have literally never made a good first impression in my life. I am more of an acquired taste. I just realized that Monday Night Football hasn't started yet and I am fucked up. What is happening?
Least Favorite Line- "He's so tall". Dude fuck height. It isn't fair. Judging a potential significant other on their height makes you a racist.
Drunkness Level- Realizing how little of the 5th I have left makes me realize how much dignity I have left. Kinda depressing, which means I am super drunk.
Track 10- How You Get the Girl
I wish I was sober enough to pay attention to this song, as I have literally no idea "how to get the girl". James Shields has the nickname "Big Game James" even though he has been pretty awful in the playoffs (sports reference to make me feel straight". My nickname would be "No Game Brian" if that rhymed in any way at all. Whatever, I can't wait to wake up and listen to this song again and take better notes than I ever did in college. As if this album wasn't great enough already, I am about to get learned on how to get the girl? Perfect.
Favorite Line- Everything that preempted "That's how you get the girl" because that's like a cheat sheet for dudes like me who don't have a clue.
Drunkless Level- Too Turnt To Tolerate. Alliteration at its finest.
Track11 - This Love
TS slowed it down on this shit. Having just finished the 5th I don't really know what the lyrics are about, but I know they have real estate in my soul. I never saw gravity because Sandra Bullock ruined her career back in 2000 with this scene (warning: this clip will make you hate everything), but I feel like this song should be listened to while floating through space. If I were in charge, this would be the soundtrack of Gravity. What the fuck am I talking about? Who am I? Where is my Apple TV remote?
Drunkness Level- Drnk enough to skip the "favorite line" for this song.
Track 12- I Know Places
This is a hit. Really all there is to say. Didn't listeen to the words enough to give a proper analysis. Blame it on the al al al al al alcohol. Still, it's a hit. I like it. I will listen to it a bunch. Good for you Taylor. Good for you.
Favorite Line- "You stand with your hand on my waist line" First line of the song, the waist line is always my "favorite line". ALWAYS.
Drunkness Level- My mother would be so worried. Granted, Sus thinks having more than 2 beers constitutes as alcoholism.
Track 13- Clean
Slowed down again. Cool with me, as I like sad slow shit. She drowned or whatever in this song and got over somebody. Tried to make drowning sound like a good thing in this song, something I could not agree less with. Drowning sounds awful. I am too drunk to be interpreting shit.. I am sure this song is super deep (which would explain the drowning references) but I just don't know at this point.
Favorite line- Woof.
Favorite Drunkness level- Too. Too drunk.
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Final Thoughts-
What an album. What a night. Those who are judging me, save it for a day where I give a shit. This album is crazy good. I want it played at my hypothetical wedding. I want it played at my inevitable funeral. I want it played every day for the rest of my life. Thanks for reading. Buy the album, it's worth a lot more than spending 15 bucks on Taco Bell. Whcih I would totally pay someone for if they brought \to me right now. I am serious. Please?
Drunkness level- I don't know what will hurt most when I wake up. My neck from bobbing it too much, my feet from tapping them too much, or my hangover.
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